Hang On.

Great advice found in the lobby of my gym.

A New Season, A New Phase.

September was hard y’all. News that I’d failed the bar exam threw me into a veritable tailspin, where my only hope was a safe crash landing. On my way to solid ground, I encountered a barrage of mental, emotional, and spiritual challenges. From recalibrating my job search to dealing with student loan repayment, adjusting to life after failing the bar exam has been tough.

But now that October is here, much of the dust from September has settled. I can now see a glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel. What’s more, this week brought with it two indications that a new, more positive phase in post-fail life is beginning. The first thing that happened was my submission of a supplemental application to sit for the February exam. The second thing was receiving a copy of my essays from July, along with model answers for comparison. While the past several weeks have been more about finding my bearings and healing from the wounds inflicted in my first experience with the exam, the focus now shifts to determining exactly what went wrong in July and using that information to plot a course for success in February.

Turning in my application was rather symbolic. It solidified my commitment to try again. Before bar results came out, I often said that if I didn’t pass, I wouldn’t take it a second time. When I thought about how tough the summer had been, I honestly didn’t know if I was capable of going through it all over again. But sometime in the middle of September, I realized that by saying that I didn’t know if I could work as hard, or be as regimented as I was in the summer, I was shortchanging myself and my abilities. I was limiting my own potential to become better, stronger, and smarter. I realized that I had more than enough fight left in me, and that I was capable of enduring another crucible. Through these realizations, I found the resolve to try again.

Though I still haven’t received my exact score for the July exam (apparently that comes separately), comparing my essays to model answers will illuminate what went wrong the first time around and aid in developing a study plan over the next several months. When I first opened the packet, part of me still desperately hoped that somehow my exam software had malfunctioned on test day and my “passing” essays were never uploaded and graded, as a friend and I had jokingly discussed several weeks ago. But, there they were, all twelve of them. I haven’t mustered the courage to read them yet, but I look forward to using them to get to where I need to be in February.

Though things aren’t necessarily getting any easier, I feel a lot stronger than I did a month ago. I’m sure that challenges will continue to arise in this new phase of post-fail life, but I’m ready for it. It’s been hard, but I’m dealing. I’m surviving. Sometimes, that’s enough.

The Necessity of Optimism.

One of my best friends sent me the passage below a couple days ago. It really spoke to me. The author talks about optimism and the will to continue in spite of life’s many challenges. I find it relevant not only to those of us planning to take the bar again, but also for our colleagues who’ve passed but are still looking for employment.

. . . About my personal philosophy. It is anchored in optimism. It must be, for optimism brings with it hope, a future with a purpose, and therefore, a will to fight for a better world. Without this optimism, there is no reason to carry on. If we think of the struggle as a climb up a mountain, then we must visualize a mountain with no top. We see a top, but when we finally reach it, the overcast rises and we find ourselves merely on a bluff. The mountain continues on up. Now we see the “real” top ahead of us, and strive for it, only to find we’ve reached another bluff, the top still above us. And so it goes on, interminably.

Knowing that the mountain has no top, that it is a perpetual quest from plateau to plateau, the questions arises, “Why the struggle, the conflict, the heartbreak, the danger, the sacrifice. Why the constant climb?” Our answer is the same as that which a real mountain climber gives when he is asked why he does what he does. “Because it’s there.” Because life is there ahead of you and either one tests oneself in its challenges or huddles in the valleys in a dreamless day-to-day existence whose only purpose is the preservation of an illusory security and safety. The latter is what the vast majority of people choose to do, fearing the adventure into the unknown. Paradoxically, they give up the dream of what may lie ahead on the heights of tomorrow for a perpetual nightmare—an endless succession of days fearing the loss of tenuous security.

Unlike the chore of the mythic Sisyphis, this challenge is not an endless pushing up of a boulder to the top of the hill, only to have it roll back again, the chore to be repeated eternally. It is pushing the boulder up an endless mountain, but, unlike Sisyphis, we are always going further upward. And also unlike Sisyphis, each stage of the trail upward is different, newly dramatic, an adventure each time.

At times we do fall back and become discouraged, but it is not that we are making no progress. Simply, this is the very nature of life—that it is a climb—and that the resolution of each issue in turn creates other issues, born of plights which are unimaginable today. The pursuit of happiness is never-ending; happiness lies in the pursuit.

-Saul Alinsky, Rules for Radicals

The Fight Against Isolation.

Don’t isolate yourself.

Out of all the advice I’ve received over the past week, this has by far been the most helpful. Heeding this advice is not only helping me through the almost grief-like beginning stages of acceptance, but it’s also helping me to foster a greater connection to everyone around me.

When I first found out that I’d failed the bar, my gut reaction was to hide away and not tell anyone. I felt that if I could hide my failure, even for just a little while, I could hang onto whatever shred of dignity I had left. Alone and terrified, I found myself quickly slipping into despair.

Despite feelings of shame and disappointment, however, I eventually found myself needing to reach out for support. The only thing I could do at first was text the simple phrase “I didn’t pass” to those closest to me, but that was enough. I can’t tell you how much of a relief it was to do so. Though I only told a handful of people that first day, those individuals kept me from going to a really dark place. For that I am forever grateful.

Even now, after over a week, I’m still fighting the urge hide away. The thought of avoiding people, conversations, and situations where the topic of bar exam might come up enters my mind quite often. But by fighting the urge to isolate, I’m not only learning more about myself and how I handle difficult situations, but also about empathy and the kindness of others.

I am so thankful for the outpouring of support that I’ve received over the past week. If I had succumbed to the urge to isolate myself and allow negative thoughts to dictate my actions, I would have never gotten such positive support.

Hi. My name is Quinn. I failed the bar exam.

Shock. Anger. Fear. Sadness. Hopelessness.

It’s hard to describe the barrage of emotions I’ve felt since finding out that I failed the bar exam on Saturday. After two months of bar prep followed by another month of anxiously awaiting the results, news that I’d failed came like a soul-crushing, blunt-force trauma. After putting forth so much time and effort in preparing for the exam, how could I have failed? Almost instantly, I found myself going to a very dark place.

Luckily, a few close friends and family members were there to talk me off the ledge. They let me know that it isn’t the end of the world, and that everything would be ok. Without them, I would be in a much worse headspace than I am now. So, in an effort to express my gratitude to the universe and pay their kindness forward, I decided to start this blog, Safe (Non)Passage.

My ultimate goal in creating this blog is to help others similarly positioned by chronicling my own experiences over the next several months, good and bad, positive and negative. I plan on discussing everything from finding temporary legal work to pay the bills to strategizing success for the exam in February. My hope is that Safe (Non)Passage will help others that have and will receive the unfortunate news that they’ve failed their exams. At the very least, I just want to let people know that they are not alone, and though we have some things to figure out, it’s going to be ok.

Yeah, life handed us a sack of lemons. So what? Let’s try and make us some lemonade.