September was hard y’all. News that I’d failed the bar exam threw me into a veritable tailspin, where my only hope was a safe crash landing. On my way to solid ground, I encountered a barrage of mental, emotional, and spiritual challenges. From recalibrating my job search to dealing with student loan repayment, adjusting to life after failing the bar exam has been tough.

But now that October is here, much of the dust from September has settled. I can now see a glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel. What’s more, this week brought with it two indications that a new, more positive phase in post-fail life is beginning. The first thing that happened was my submission of a supplemental application to sit for the February exam. The second thing was receiving a copy of my essays from July, along with model answers for comparison. While the past several weeks have been more about finding my bearings and healing from the wounds inflicted in my first experience with the exam, the focus now shifts to determining exactly what went wrong in July and using that information to plot a course for success in February.

Turning in my application was rather symbolic. It solidified my commitment to try again. Before bar results came out, I often said that if I didn’t pass, I wouldn’t take it a second time. When I thought about how tough the summer had been, I honestly didn’t know if I was capable of going through it all over again. But sometime in the middle of September, I realized that by saying that I didn’t know if I could work as hard, or be as regimented as I was in the summer, I was shortchanging myself and my abilities. I was limiting my own potential to become better, stronger, and smarter. I realized that I had more than enough fight left in me, and that I was capable of enduring another crucible. Through these realizations, I found the resolve to try again.

Though I still haven’t received my exact score for the July exam (apparently that comes separately), comparing my essays to model answers will illuminate what went wrong the first time around and aid in developing a study plan over the next several months. When I first opened the packet, part of me still desperately hoped that somehow my exam software had malfunctioned on test day and my “passing” essays were never uploaded and graded, as a friend and I had jokingly discussed several weeks ago. But, there they were, all twelve of them. I haven’t mustered the courage to read them yet, but I look forward to using them to get to where I need to be in February.

Though things aren’t necessarily getting any easier, I feel a lot stronger than I did a month ago. I’m sure that challenges will continue to arise in this new phase of post-fail life, but I’m ready for it. It’s been hard, but I’m dealing. I’m surviving. Sometimes, that’s enough.

Q